TMI: Too Much Information

Just a warning, I’m pretty sure this post is going to be a bit depressing. Or a lot….
So many things are going through my head today. I got up, took a shower, then laid down on my bed, still in just a towel, and cried. I completely broke down. As soon as the tears started they didn’t stop. For about four hours. It wasn’t just tears. I Was crying just like I had in the hospital. Just like I had when I watched them drive away with Diya. These tears were not going to go away. At times I was crying so hard that I began to shake uncontrollably. I couldn’t even bring my cup to my mouth without spilling the water on myself. I was a mess. I am a mess. I look back and realize I did not get enough time with Diya. I knew I wanted more time with her but I didn’t know what to do. All I could think of in the hospital was, She’s not meant to be yours. Don’t get attached. Obviously I was fooling myself. Because unless you have something wrong with you, you always get attached to your newborn. It’s a chemical reaction in your head. I thought I could make it through. I thought I could just sign the papers and it would be over. I was wrong. This will never be over. I have to live with this for the rest of my life. I have to explain this to my future husband. And, someday, explain this to my future children. I have to relive this every single time some one asks me about my choice. And seriously the worst question is, “Are you okay?” No. No, I’m not okay. I wanted more time in the hospital. I feel robbed of that time and it is my biggest regret. I wanted to take her home with me, for one day. One day of her being mine. In my house, not the hospital. I wanted to wake up with her in the night to feed her. I want pictures without having to ask. I want to be invited to things that include her. I want to see her more. I have only seen her three times out of the hospital. She will be two months on the ninth. I missed her newborn life. She’s no longer that sweet baby of mine that she was in the hospital. She has changed so much and I feel like I’ve missed it all. It’s heartbreaking and my whole body aches for her. I need her and my body reminds me of that constantly. I feel like such a burden to people. I don’t know what to do. I hate confrontation. I hate asking for help, or really just things in general. I hate that I have to ask for a picture. I hate that we have to plan around and schedule visits. It breaks my heart every single time. Everyone I talk to keeps saying that communication is key. But seriously, would you want to hear from some broke loser that has nothing going for her in life right now, complaining to you? You would think they were crazy right? I don’t want Diya’s parents to think I’m crazy or to think that they need to stop communication and visits. I’m not crazy and I’m not trying to steal her back or anything but I need more time with her. All I’m doing is looking for a job. I don’t have a schedule, or errands, or plans. I have nothing. I think about Diya all the time and my body screams for her. Today after crying for four hours I turned on my heating pad and placed it half on my side and half in my arms. Why? Because the heat it gave off made me feel like some one was holding me in their arms but at the same time like I was holding Diya in my arms. Yeah. You know you’ve pretty much hit your bottom when your sleeping with a heating pad to mimic the feel of a being held, and holding a baby. I’m not sure what to do any more. I hate talking about this because most people in this world have no idea what I’m going through and will never experience this. I can’t stand when people say to me, “Oh I know exactly how you feel!” No you don’t. And to be quite frank when you say that I want to punch you. If you have not given up your own flesh and blood because you know you are not good enough for them, you don’t know how I feel. If you have not had to find a family for your own child to be with, you do not know how I feel. If you have not seen your child leave the hospital in another families car, without you, you do not know how I feel. If you have to watch your daughter be raised by some one other than you because you are not capable to raise her, you don’t know how I feel. The list goes on. Basically if you are not me, you don’t know how I feel. So no, I’m not okay. And no, you don’t know how I feel. My case worker keeps telling me it’s okay to feel this way and that it’s normal. I don’t feel normal, I don’t like feeling this way. It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever been through. It’s confusing and agonizing. I don’t sleep. I don’t eat. And gosh dang it I don’t want some random guy to pretend to care so he can date me. Seriously? Back off. You would think people would have more respect for someone who literally just lost their child and now has to watch some one else be her mom and dad. Just saying, if you pulled this, are pulling this, or plan to pull this, you are never getting a chance with me. And what’s worse is when people in general act like they care, say they’ll be there for me and then never are. As soon as everything gets so hard for me you all bail… Yes I was thinking of certain people but no I will not name names. Sorry this is such a sad, and at the end there, angry post. I really needed to get some things off my chest. Why not complain to the internet? It works right? And no one has to see my ugly cry, It’s a win for both of us!
I miss you Diya. I wanted you and I still want you. That will never change. No matter how many years go by, I will always want you. I will always love you. I’m sorry I wasn’t ready for you. I’m sorry I was not the best option for you. Goodnight. I love you.


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