The start of many letters to you.

Diya Camille,

This week has been unbelievably hard on me. You are now one month old. I signed the papers one month ago. I still want you with every fiber of my being, every single day. I’m sure that will never change. I miss you. I think about you constantly. I think about our late nights and early mornings together. I think about how special it was to just hold you on my chest and cuddle with you. I think about all your little noises. Your little squeak cry. (You never cried in the hospital. Just little squeaks. It was the best.) I loved to look at you while you were examining your surroundings. You took such care. It was truly beautiful to watch. I miss it so much. You already look so different from when you were mine in the hospital. You are so beautiful. You have such an affect on me. You calm me down and bring me comfort. Every time I see you whether it be through a picture of an actual visit you calm my nerves. You make me forget all my problems. It’s amazing, truly magical. I received a bunch of pictures from the hospital stay today. I also received a few from your newborn shoot. They bring so many emotions. Happiness. Sorrow. But most of all Love. I love you more than I will ever be able to express through words. I hope you grow up knowing this. You keep me going. You make me want to be a better person. I promise to work as hard as I can so that some day you’ll look back and be proud. Tomorrow I get to see you. You will be exactly five weeks old. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms as close as  I can. I am so thankful to your parents for allowing me to be apart of your life. I’m sorry I can’t be there every day and I’m sorry I wasn’t ready. I think about this everyday too. I wonder what it would be like if I had raised you, what it would have been like if I was ready. I always come to the same conclusion. You were never meant to be mine. It hurts so much and it will never change the fact that I want you and love you. But I know this was all meant to be. God does not make mistakes. I love you Diya, with all my heart. That will never change. You mean the world to me.

With love, Your Birth Mother,

Kirsten.