In the coming weeks.

First off I would like to thank everyone for being so nice and accepting. I couldn’t have asked for a better family, friends, or ward. Especially for this time in my life.
I would like to take this time to say a few things with it getting so close to my Caesarean date. Next Sunday will be my last Sunday for a little while. I’m honestly not sure how long I guess it all depends on how well I take giving away a child. People have been asking me if they can come visit me while I’m in the hospital, as of right now, yes you may. But I ask that it’s people I know pretty well and talk to every week or all the time. I don’t mean to offend any one but this baby will only be mine legally for 72hrs. That’s it. That is all the time I get for her to be mine. I am okay with friends coming on the 10th of may if everything goes according to plan. Please no surprise visits. Text or call to let me know what time you are planning on coming and who will be with you. If I don’t know someone in the group you will be asked to leave as I feel it’s a waste of time for me. It’s taking away the time I have with her before she is no longer mine.

Things you probably shouldn’t ask me or should know about in general.

1. Are you okay? Honestly I’m fine right now but that doesn’t mean after 25 people in a row ask me that I won’t be in tears. So lets just avoid that question all together.
2. Are you sure about adoption?/ have you thought more about keeping her?
Yes I’m positive about adoption. Don’t make this harder on me. Of course I think about keeping her this is just much better for her. I want what’s best for her and this is what’s best. It’s as simple as that.
3. Are you nervous?
You know, I don’t get nervous until people start asking me if I’m nervous. So don’t ask.
4. Don’t talk about my weight. Or my boobs.
5. Please ask before you take any pictures, sure she’ll be looking all cute (maybe) being a newborn and all but I’m not sure how happy I will be to be in the pictures. And if I end up being in a picture please ask before you upload it or tag me. This isn’t a super positive and happy experience for me. I haven’t even gotten maternity pictures. So lets not take a bunch of pictures of me. Baby, sure, fine! But me, no.
6. I honestly have no idea how I will be feeling. I mean pain pills are cool and help you relax but I might cut visits short or flat out not allow it. Don’t get offended. It’s not you, it’s all me. This is my time to be selfish if I choose. I’m hoping I’ll be staying positive and happy and want to joke with you all but I have no idea what to expect the day of or through out that stay.
7. I am not sure how I feel about any guys visiting me while in the hospital. If you have gotten a personal invite, birth plan, I’ve talked to you, or you’re my home teachers or something you’re fine. Call or text a head of time. But guys, being that the birth father didn’t want to be there at all it’s a little hard for me to have a guy just come in and hold this baby. I’m still half hoping she gets to be held once by her birth dad but I’m pretty positive that wont be happening. It’s a really weird and confusing feeling and again don’t take offense, it’s totally all me and my feelings. And who knows that might change while I’m in the hospital too.
8. Don’t touch me. Don’t attempt to feel the baby that is still inside me. I don’t know how many times or why I have to explain this. It’s so awkward! I have invited one person this whole time to feel this baby move. I guess two if you count the dad… Again it’s a weird feeling and I truly feel that is something that should be shared mostly between the mom and dad. Some people love when the baby is moving and want everyone to share that feeling. That’s not me. And I don’t think it’s quite appropriate being that she is in a head down position. Meaning she’s down really low. Not cool to touch me there. Ew, buy me dinner first. Geez!
9. May 10th will be the day for friends. That is if everything goes according to plan. I do ask that the day I have the caesarean (may 9th) to be mostly for my family, the people that are flying in, and of course the adoptive family. May 10th is a Saturday and the day Im planning on having friends visit. again, text or call me first. On the 11th I am not sure if I am being released or not but I would like my last day with her to be mostly for me. If they keep me till Monday feel free to check with me and see if you can visit. But the last day in the hospital will mainly be for me and my family to say goodbye.
10. Know that I seriously appreciate everyone who has helped me through this time and put up with me! You all are amazing people and this would have been even harder without people like you in my life. Especially my YSA ward. You guys rock.
I hope I haven’t offended any one with this post because I really am grateful to all of you! I hope I am positive through out this so you all can have a chance to meet this little girl. But I can’t make any promises. So far I’m thinking everything will go smoothly and I should be fine. Thank you all again for everything you have done. Even if its just a little thing like talking to me. You have no idea how much that helps.
Thanks again! ūüôā

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Looking Back

This week has been especially hard for me. It could be due to quite a few things but I’m going to take the easy way out and blame hormones for the most part. Now I was going to make this first blog about a couple depressing topics but I’ll save those for a rainy day because it’s Easter. (By the time I get done writing this it won’t be Easter any more but deal with it.) Easter has a whole new meaning for me this year. I always knew it was when we celebrated Jesus Christ atoning for our sins and his resurrection, I’m just not sure if I fully understood what that really meant until now.

As some of you know I have never held a temple recommend in my life until this past¬†March. I had been inactive for a long time and was crazy nervous to even start going back to church because I am pregnant. I felt a bit like Hester Prin from the Scarlet letter. But my scarlet letter was my stomach slowly getting bigger. And I didn’t technically get paraded around but sat by myself for weeks and didn’t really talk to people. I honestly thought no one would accept me or want to be my friend. I can’t believe how wrong I was. I started talking to the bishop and starting my repentance process. It was hard, and it still is. There are some things¬†I have yet to do and get over.

¬†The moment I knew I was on the right path was when I walked through the Gilbert Temple. It was in the Celestial room and I had an overwhelming feeling that, This is true, Families are forever, You can have this, and you will have this. Tears¬†formed in my eyes as¬†I realized that this was what I desired. I wanted to get married in the temple and be sealed for time and all eternity. The only way to be able to do that was to¬†keep talking to the bishop and gain a Temple Recommend. It’s been a long road and it’s certainly not over but I am so glad to finally have a recommend in my wallet. It’s kind of a big deal to me.

I am so grateful for the savior this holiday season and his sacrifice that he made for us so that we are able to repent when needed. I am also grateful for all the new friends in my life that have accepted my slowly getting fatter self, and my amazing family that I have here. Every one has been so supportive and I’m not sure if I could have accomplished¬†this much with out all the help I have received.¬†My path to getting a temple recommend has truly been an eye-opening experience and one I am eternally grateful for. I never used to take repentance seriously, But Oh what a wonderful feeling it is to have the weight of a sin lifted from you and know that you are loved. That He knows you. That He wants you to come back and live with Him again.

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter, however you celebrate! Here’s a cool video for those who wish to watch.http://easter.mormon.org/?cid=HPTU041514694 ¬†The link tool isn’t working so you’ll have to copy and paste it in a separate tab. First world problems. Sorry.